My, What a Large Door Knob You Have!
You have probably heard the well-documented fact that one in seven door handles contains traces of semen … and it is all the more believable if this is one of those door handles!
This unique piece has found its way into our collection through sheer good humour, and willingness to try something a little out of the ordinary. Whoever the lucky purchaser ends up being, we can imagine several scenarios that will ensue …
They will hear just about every lewd double entendre possible regarding their ‘knob’
You can just imagine … there will be all sorts of jokes about your knob’s placement in relation to your knocker … whether it is pointing upwards or downwards … how easy it is to grasp … and how hard the alloy is!
The number of traveling salespeople and religious preachers knocking on the door will dramatically decrease
How many Mormons do you imagine will willingly put their hand to that to enter a house? Do you think many of them would even knock after they had seen it? No doubt they would regard you as a lost cause, or perhaps even a source of evil contamination, and run a mile! Although it may be more effective if it were made as a knocker, as then everybody would have no choice but to touch it to alert you to the fact they were outside.
Then again, perhaps they would become more determined to save your wicked, wicked soul!
You will have many fewer visits from your in-laws, and much more scurrilous gossip about you!
It takes a will of iron (and a something else of bronze …!) to put up with what would be said about you behind your back for having this on your front door. Let it roll off like water off a duck’s back … know that the Good Lord made them … and laugh all the harder every time you come home!
Failing that, mount it to your garage wall and enjoy the laughs without the gossip!
You will get a giggle out of ‘screwing’ it into the door!
It’s inevitable! Ordinary, day-to-day activities just become funnier when you add genitalia. Sorry – but it is a fact of life!
Confronting as it is, you may worry about the hygiene standards of your new door ‘knob’. It would be terrible to have snails crawling over it, leaving suspicious shiny trails over its surface, or for a bird to poop on it, leaving funny splatters… However, you can reassure yourself with the fact that bronze is an alloy of copper, which actually has inherent anti-microbial properties. Due to its copper content, brass will actually disinfect itself within around seven hours, Domestos-free. Other alloys of copper, like bronze, are just as naturally clean.
Not like your minds, for all of you who laughed during this post!
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Oh my… this brassy piece of brass has left me practically speechless. (No small achievement, that!) Such a door handle (knob?) might be one way to discourage visits by a crabby great-aunt, or a persnickety mother-in-law… and you could probably forget all about the vicar coming round for tea…
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